Marketing advice. It’s predictable like what happens two hours after a burrito supreme. The typical format is a vapid series of trite, yet herculean steps with zero elaboration: “First come up with a solid strategy based on sound consumer research, make your messaging emotional and idea-first, then leverage social and influencers in a 360 execution!”
To the rest of us, that should sound like: “Ok, like, first penetrate Soviet airspace, conquer communism, then just solve that pesky cold fusion once and for all. Cheers, thanks, you’re the best. And stuff.” Ask yourself how you would do any of those in the above paragraph and you’ll see what I mean.
And yet, like lawn fudge does flies, it attracts those clicks. Here is your ultimate guide to being a marketing advice content-generating machine for fun, profit, and social decline.
- Preamble: Be certain to start the paragraph, and indeed the whole missive, with the literary equivalent of leaving your fly open: “When it comes to ______…” Then state obvious platitudes about marketing/branding/advertising being more challenging than ever in this complicated digital world of so many channels, pandemics, pan-global panoply of personas, and Kim Kardashian.
- Humblebrag some mundane marketing moment you had recently, then say, “…and suddenly, I caught myself thinking about brand,” as if this special superpower, uniquely yours, is akin to teleporting directly onto Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride.
- Call everything a “strategy” or use “strategic” and “tactical” interchangeably to make whatever you are talking about sound sophisticated — kinda like “military grade strategic shoelaces and ballpoint pen survival set” or “pharmaceutical grade tactical air freshener.”
- Refer to everyone as a stakeholder. “The victuals distribution stakeholder showed up with our pizza 30 minutes into our strategic meeting. One of our stakeholders tipped him an Andrew Jackson and he left on his bicycle.”
- “Overall” and “overarching” are your adjectival best friends in a pinch when you are running short. “Our overarching thought-leadership strategy informs our overall tactical creative execution.” See what I did there? Gold.
- Pro tip: any logic problems, like fact checking or substantiation of claims, can be solved simply and irrevocably by ending your sentences with: “…because the internet.” Or GenZ.
- Make it a listicle of seven topics from any of the following to compose your strategic list:
- The critical importance of social media strategy.
- the strategic importance of knowing your audience.
- defining your target through creating personae (seriously, which sock do they put on first?! Ok, sure, but what about Thursdays?).
- Leveraging email campaigns.
- Defining a clear overall strategy (pronounced: “Shtrategy”).
- Make your messaging emotional.
- Make your brand purpose clear. In addition to selling chlorine bleach, you are saving the Ecuadoran mung beetle.
- Personalization for the win.
- Be data-driven. Duh.
- consistent message across all touchpoints, geographies, devices, diversities, culture-graphs, and segments. We know this contradicts 8. personalization, but…the internet. And overall strategy.
- Get more video-digital for GenZennial Zoomers.
- CRO, ABM, PDCA, DMP, CDP, DSP, CPM, CPC, CTR, CTA, CAC, CLV, KPI, ROI, PDQ, SOL, WAP
- Influencer marketing strategy
- Content marketing. King. Never enough content.
- Paid/Owned/Earned in that 360 kinda way.
- Retargeting because everyone loves it.
- Channel strategy. It’s pretty much 360. All the time. In every case. It’s all anyone knows.
- Brand intimacy/epiphany/experience/loyalty or “Dating your Deodorant: an exposé.”
- digital transformation. Or…transformational anything (See: “overarching”).
- Actionable insights. Is there any other kind?
- Paragraph title generator: Above each paragraph, create an H2 that starts off with “It’s All About ______” and fill-in the blank with any of the above topics.
- Namedrop. Use this: “Take ______ for example,” then fill in the blank with any of the following: Apple, Facebook, Uber, AirBNB, Google, Amazon; and then list up pretty much anything they have ever done. Ever. Companies that size have never missed, thus, neither will you. As long as Seth Godin mentioned it at some point. Clicks go up by 17.45% if you throw in a Steve Jobs quote.
- Your article must end with exactly this: “And finally, most important, do what is best for you and your brand.” Like a disclaimer after a drug commercial, this statement vaporizes any microgram of usefulness or actual advice that may have inadvertently slipped into the preceding paragraphs—perhaps a polysyllabic word or even a sentence sans the word “like” or “and stuff.” Your lawyer loves this one, too.
Turn on your ad networks, click that publish button, and then smell the cash. I’m expecting some juicy success stories out of you, playah.